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[Jan. 3rd, 2012|09:41 pm] |
There's this moment I have from time to time. Sometimes it comes when I'm looking at old images or hear a familiar song. It takes me back deep inside myself and in that moment I remember who I am, what I love, and where I've come from. Nothing makes life sweeter than that second you connect with yourself on every level. It's so hard, for me at least, to remember not to bullshit myself.
Thankful. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 30th, 2011|01:49 am] |
Two nights in a row I've waited up for a call. A call that never came. I wont lie, I'm disappointed. I'm very disappointed because I want so badly to have someone that misses me and desires me just as much as I them.
So, the storm finally found me
And left me in the dark
In the cloud around me
I don't know where you are
If this whole world goes up in arms
All I can do is stand
And I won't fight for anyone
Until you move my hand
And wipe the mark of madness from my face
Show me that your love will never change
If my yesterday is a disgrace
Tell me that you still recall my name
Oh, here
In the shadow
Here I am
And I need someone by my side
It becomes so
Hard to stand
And I keep trying to dry my eyes
Come and find me
In the valley
Here go my walls. Up. I warned you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2011|10:18 am] |
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Last night I had a dream that I was driving down an unpaved road in the dead of night. It had just rained so the ground was damp and my hands, like most of the time, were ice cold. The only colors that were able to filter into my eyes were the colors of the overgrown greenery, the brown of the mud and the black of the night. I slowed my car when came upon a huge white sign that was placed right in the middle of the road. In black bold letters it said "ROAD CLOSED". My brow lowered in disbelief because this was a heavily used road. I wondered why they would ever completely close it down when it had only been drizzling. That's when my eyes glanced over a spatter of blood just below the sign. I followed the trail to a enormous puddle. Soon I was examining individual puddles on the side of the hill, 20 feet before the sign and right in front of me. I saw a pair of headlights down the hill on the left side of the road. A tan colored Chevy Blazer was tattered and torn and someone had obviously been injured. I knew in my head with all this blood that they were, in fact, gone forever. |
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| betwixt |
[Oct. 25th, 2011|10:21 am] |
I often find myself wondering what my purpose is. Then I conclude that I don't have one. I am no more important than sea creatures at the bottom of the ocean. Everything that breathes is equal and for some reason that's really disappointing. We are bred to believe we can have it all. We can achieve anything and don't forget, We. are. the. best. My moods have never fluctuated like this before. One day I'm caught in a hole looking up above and then I'm on top of a mountain looking at everything below me. My state of mind is definitely caught in some turmoil and I am really at a loss.
My hearts been longing to bask in the presence of the one it's connected to but I know time, space and the proper pace will keep me attached longer and it will keep him happy. I've noticed when I love, I love to an extreme. I want it all, I want it now, I want want worry want. Is that so wrong? I used to think I was an expert at a lot of things. I thought I knew how to communicate but the older I get the harder it becomes to sling around words. I thought I knew how minds work but the more time that passes with a person, the foggier their thoughts appear. I thought I could make beautiful art when I touched any medium but that's when I doubt myself the most. I used to think my body felt good to the touch and my kisses were sublime but the more I maneuver my body and mouth it becomes clear there will always be someone greater. I constantly feel defeated despite my best efforts to look and to be the absolute delight. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 19th, 2011|10:00 pm] |
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I've always been too much to handle and I will always be too much to handle. People don't change much no matter which way you try to look at them. It's so heartbreaking to feel like you've finally connected with someone and have it repeatedly shattered over and over again. I can't help but feel it's all my doing. They always say it's my fault anyways. The only truth I've ever stumbled upon is that we're all completely alone. We will always be alone. I will always feel alone and detached. |
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